Blunt Truth and Comfort Food in Uncomfortable Moments

Yesterday was Matthew’s 7th birthday, and I was able to go to Penn Yan and see him at my Dad’s house. It was fun—reminded me of the old days when I had a family and we did stuff like have birthday dinners (birthday boy picked pizza—I swear he could be mine, my sister always chose tacos). I’m a little bitter (not at anyone, just in general–and in a good natured sort of way)—let’s be honest, Parents, there are some inconveniences for me due to you not being together anymore. That doesn’t mean that I think you should be or that I’m not happy for you to be happy—so no reading into that or feeling badly about it (related: my mom recently told me that I shouldn’t take it the wrong way, but she really liked it when I had a lot of money—I get it and I took it the right way, and I think honesty is why we keep our healthy relationship healthy).

Because yesterday was Matthew’s birthday, today is Jen’s death-day.  I’ve tried—not thinking about what was happening 7 years ago right now.  But right now, 7 years ago, we had already made it to the NICU at Strong to see Matthew. I had already seen how perfect he was (in spite of the things stuck on his head and the oxygen hood). He was a little monster-baby in the NICU—at over 9lbs, he could totally have beaten up all those tiny babies in there. Of course, he was drugged into relaxation and had lost his voice. Jen was gone—I didn’t know where she really was.

Today, it helped that class this morning went well (Child Health Issues) in spite of another technology glitch–luckily I knew the content and winged it again. Sometimes I think that goes over better than Power Point anyway. Currently, it’s heading toward 2pm, which means I have another class to teach (Death and Dying). Seriously, I’m not sure about teaching this class on this day. Can I cancel it? No.  I don’t believe in canceling classes (except that one time I canceled class at Keuka because I had to defend my dissertation that evening–I justified it). I could practice some Mind Body Techniques (maybe) and clean the apartment (nah).

It’s rainy and cold. I’m feeling rainy and cold. I appreciate (so much) the nice things my friends have said and sent to me today and yesterday. I also know I have people who can be “my family” now—lots of them, more than before. I love that about my life, and I also miss my own family immensely.  I made a donation this morning to help send a family who is facing cancer to Disney World (in secret honor of my sister–not so secret now that I told you, but you don’t know the family and they don’t know I donated or that it was in honor of Jen). Yesterday, Seema asked me if I do anything to commemorate my sister’s death day. I said no (and feel kind of lacking in that reply, knowing my mom has her rituals and is probably sitting in the rain at Jen’s grave right now)—but I think I found a way to commemorate.

My plan for now? Eat something that makes me feel good (which might have been mac and cheese if I had any), and drink coffee (which I only do on special occasions nowadays—but one of my fondest memories is of Thanksgiving weekend in 2002, drinking coffee and chatting with my sister in her living room).

I didn't measure anything---so I can only tell you what's in it: pumpkin, lucuma and yacon (optional), maple syrup, cinnamon, ginger, nutmeg...
...on top of Cream of Buckwheat (it's not gross---just try it!). I'm still thanking Ali for introducing me to this stuff.
Mix...tastes like pumpkin pie! Sort of.

The other day in class, we talked about how adults cope with death of their children. It seems sort of ridiculous to learn that from a textbook and a video clip from Oprah (search youtube for the Coble family—you’ll cry and be inspired). Death is actually a really intimate topic (maybe I should have started this post with, “Dear Diary”), and sometimes I feel strange about the dynamic of students in my class when I’m sharing little pieces of my own experience. But I suppose if they don’t learn anything or are offended or bored by me, then it won’t be any worse than other boring college courses that they can forget about after they pass (or fail).

I’ve had people this week say things to me about how not to be sad right now. I’m not going to defend myself about it being ok to be sad—if you’re my friend you know that I can usually talk about Jen without tears or sadness—but I think I just want to be sad right now and figure out wtf I am going to say at 2pm. It’s possible to be happy and sad at the same time–just so you know!

And on Sunday, I’ll be trick-or-treating with some of my favorite family members, Steve, Matthew, Carol, Allison. Oh! I also have a great recipe to share for homemade peanut butter cups (peanut-free!).

46 thoughts on “Blunt Truth and Comfort Food in Uncomfortable Moments”

  1. I have a tiny update—that I survived the 2pm death class 🙂 —and that I told them what today is without acting like it is a sad day, but letting them know we'd probably be done slightly early because I have plans. I let them out 12 minutes early. Then two of them returned to tell me that they would like to say to me “whatever you say to someone on a day like today.” Also got a high five from one.
    So, I felt “hugged” and it restored a little of my faith in the depth of caring of college students (maybe not from those two boys who were sleeping in the back row…but you can't win them all over!).

  2. Pingback: » Blog Archive » Blunt Truth and Comfort Food in Uncomfortable Moments

  3. Pingback: World Spinner

  4. Grief is so private – I appreciate you sharing the entire range of reflections about where you currently find yourself – in the midst of the contradictions- and honestly.

    On another note – isn't it great that you were offered the chance to help a family on Jen's death-day?

  5. Kind of a struggle between keeping it private and wanting to shout it from the rooftops 🙂

    And yep, it felt good to help with the disney thing. I hope they raise enough money!

  6. DO you know the exact recipe for that pumpkin pie on buckwheat thing you have in your pictures? It looks so delicious! I'm a health nut though, so can you tell me if it's healthy?

  7. Hi Savannah,
    I don't have the exact amounts, but I'll make it on Monday and post the real recipe. It really is delicious—and I would definitely put it in the “health nut” category 🙂
    It's full of fiber, vitamins, minerals, and doesn't have even a little bit of unhealthy fat or processed junkiness.
    I would put it in the “superfood” category for sure.

  8. Pingback: Hearing Aids Provides You With Better Hearing | Digital Hearing Aids Prices

  9. Pingback: bedavahost

  10. Pingback: Best Reseller Hosting

  11. Pingback: how to tune up a car

  12. Pingback: lost tv series

  13. Pingback: family guy dvd series

  14. Pingback: simvastatin side effects

  15. Pingback: prednisone side effects

  16. Pingback: zoloft side effects

  17. Pingback: netbook hdmi

  18. Pingback: simvastatin side effects

  19. Pingback:

  20. Pingback: Troy Kakos

  21. Pingback: canadian online casinos

  22. Pingback: Pool Skimmer Weirs

  23. Pingback: ev

  24. Pingback: art prints

  25. Pingback: aerconditionat LG

  26. Pingback: email newsletter software

  27. Pingback: names of teeth in mouth

  28. Pingback: Unrestricted Private Label Resell Rights

  29. Pingback: Avocat Divorce

  30. Pingback: buy website traffic

  31. Pingback: upper chest exercises

  32. Pingback: Best Muscle Building Workout

  33. Pingback: Minus

  34. Pingback: cowboy boots

  35. Pingback: orlando eviction lawyer

  36. Pingback: coleman 9949

  37. Pingback: wedding

  38. Pingback: 401k rollover

  39. Pingback: huntsville home improvement

  40. Pingback: Prk

  41. Pingback: Symptoms Of Low Vitamin D

  42. Pingback: orgasme

  43. Pingback: Halleen 2011

  44. Pingback: Earn Money Photos

  45. Pingback: English bulldog puppy for sale

  46. Pingback: pink eye

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *