I spent this afternoon with my grandparents, who are 87 (or 86, I can’t remember…whatever, they’re old!). My grandpa is amazing. He is a pro at researching things on the Internet (hopefully not my blog though), sending emails, opening attachments…he still drives, and mows and snow blows. And he goes out for coffee with his friends at the Wagner. Until a couple years ago, he was a volunteer ambulance driver and was employed by the county to deal with insurance matters.
I’ve always cared about my grandparents, and admired what honest and good people they are…even if they have never been very emotional or huggable. I went with Grandpa when I was a freshman in college to help him buy his first computer, and I’ve been his IT support for most of the last 13 years (my sister was for the two and a half years I lived in Boston). When we had to buy him a new computer a couple years ago, he was pretty frustrated with the learning curve, but he caught on quickly for an old dude. We’ve made the font a little bigger, and arranged all the cords neatly enough so my grandma doesn’t have a heart attack about the mess. I’m really proud of him, and even though he can be a bit old fashioned, he’s softened in his old age. He said some seemingly heartless things to us when my sister died, like that we should stop being upset and that he wasn’t sure my mom would go to heaven when she died (and see Jen again) because she didn’t go to church (I laughed about that one and thought of what Jen’s comeback would have been—Who says Jen’s in heaven? She didn’t go to church either!).
My grandpa has never talked to me about my sister. He’s avoided the subject like it was poison, and that feels hurtful sometimes. It feels like an invalidation or uncaring, or that it means they’d rather forget about her.
But today when I was fixing his computer and my grandma was out of the room, we had a conversation that went like this:
G: We’re gettin’ old.
Me: Well, it’s better to get old than to not get old, right?
G: That’s true. (pause) Jen didn’t get old.
Me: No, she wasn’t that lucky.
G: I think about Jen all the time. A lot. (pause and fidget) I really miss her. A lot.
Me: (facing the computer, afraid he’ll stop talking if I cry) Me too, Grandpa.
So my Grandpa isn’t heartless–and he really never was, he just didn’t know how to show emotion. It only took him 7 years to mention her not being here, and now that he’s old he’s more inclined to give me a hug and tell me he loves me. As my grandma is winding down mentally, he’s the most patient and caring person I’ve ever seen. He’s living the definition of “till death do us part.” There will be a day when they can’t live in their house anymore, but today they can. For now, it feels most important to spend more quality time with them. Talking with Grandpa today made me want to see him more often, because I know he won’t be there forever. Being too busy to stop by and visit is a priority issue on my part–and it’s not just about scheduling in time. It’s about quality and relationships and family. I don’t have a big family—in fact, it’s usually just me and my mom, or me and my dad. So when I feel jealous about people having big family dinners, or sisters to go shopping with (or fight with), I need to remember that I have my grandparents too.
And I probably shouldn’t have watched the entire first two seasons of Parenthood on Hulu this month, because it is exactly what I do not have in my family—-but it’s an awesome show and you should watch it 🙂
The reflection for me on this day, and on things like tsunamis and nuclear disasters, is that life may be long or short and easy or hard—Either way, I don’t want to spend even a second of it without feeling the quality and meaningfulness, no matter how small.
Jessica from Dairy Free Betty posted the following quote today, and it’s something that just reminded me perfectly of how to be in the world. Of what matters (things like moments and grandparents), and what doesn’t (most everything else).
The Dalai Lama, when asked what surprised him most about humanity, answered,
“Man, because he sacrifices his health in order to make money; then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”
What could you change in your life’s priority list to add value to your life?
🙂 beautiful post. It made me tear up, that must have been a special moment.
thank you for the mention, that quote really got me today, in the wake of everything going on, it's important to keep everything in perspective.
Sending you love and big hugs today!
Jessica
Lisa, this was a truly moving and eye opening post. I too have grandparents that I need to priortize better into my life. They have always been there for me growing up, but I know that might not be the case forever. I am also a worry wart and am often anxious for the future and cause my present to be stressful for no reason. I am really working hard on this, and your post was a great reminder! Thanks girl!
Thanks for this…I needed this today…XOXO
You are such a beautiful person. I don;t even know what to say to this post. Grandparents and family are so cherished. I am sure it was unbelievable hard for everyone in your family in regards to your sister. My father died when I was 4, my mom was 6 months pregnant. My fathers family got kind of distant as we got older. My mom never really talked about my father growing up. My brother just started asking questions and we went to see his grave (my brother at 25 never visited). My uncle recently started being a lot closer with us. He and my dad were best friends, so much alike. I think it was so hard for them losing him and people all process things differently. Anyway, thanks for sharing. You are lucky to have amazing grandparents that you love and love you very much. Sometimes having a really large family isn't as great as having a closer knit small family
This brought tears to my eyes Lisa. Thank you for sharing. I'm so sorry that you lost your sister, but I'm glad that your grandfather is finally starting to show his feelings.
I miss my grandmother. She's still alive and mentally aware – she'll be 100 years old in July! – but her hearing is so bad that it's difficult to have a conversation with her. I'll just sit there and hold her hand. It breaks my heart to know how alone and isolated she must feel when she has no idea what any conversation is about.
To change my life's priority list…I would be a better friend. I'm good at being a daughter, sister and wife…but I'm not very good at staying in touch with friends. I procrastinate calling until it's been so long that I'm too embarrassed to call.
I love that quote from the Dalai Lama. Words to live by.
Girl you are on a blogging ROLL today! I absolutely love you, you made me tear up in the middle of my AP Stat homework. This is a perfect reminder of needing to keep your priorities in line, because you never know how long someone is going to be here. That is what I learned through my father's accident – how precious and fragile that a life can be, especially when it endangers the life held in the mind.
My grandfather who passed a few years back was similar in the sense that he was rather quiet, softspoken, didn't show too much emotion, and was never incredibly huggy. Never seemed heartless, although he was very stubborn much of the time and didn't like to admit he was wrong (politics..he was a republican, the rest of us are democrats. haha:)). Anywho, every moment I spent with him was incredibly precious, and I remember sailing with him as a little girl and learning to swim in the ocean with him. He even used to keep a little tide calendar on the fridge, and he had tons of decor with sailboats, including a belt buckle. Aweee girl now you have me crying!!
Love I am so sorry about your sister. The only family member I have ever lost is my grandpa, and I cannot imagine what it would be like to lose my baby sister before her time. It would make me think of everything she had built for herself and wanted for herself, all being taken away before she got the chance to really spread her wings. Now I am crying again!
Okay enough tears for me. Have a lovely Sunday evening with Joe deary, talk to you soon!<3
I miss you Carol—I should have added that it isn't always necessary to have DNA in common to be related to someone. You were like family to Jen, and now you are to me. That's so important!
Thanks for sharing your story too Laury. I know we all have our “stuff” …and I think you're right that size of a family isn't the important part!
That's probably the nicest thing you could do for your grandma—just sitting and holding her hand!
I can so relate about the not calling friends thing…. 🙂
Crazy how amazingly lucky we are to actually know how great our lives are and how grateful we are to have our families!
Hug your sis lots 🙂
this post is straight from your heart, lisa. thanks so much for relating the conversation with you and your grandpa, today. so glad you visited with them today, and took the time to reflect on your relationship with them.
i have a pretty small family, too, but they mean the world to me. really, i think they are the priority for me…
thanks again for sharing your life with us in this post!
OMG your grandpa is AMAZING! I mean my grandpa is awesome too and I love him, but I'm pretty sure he has never used a computer in his whole life!
Sorry about your sister… I've lost my father a couple years ago and he was my hero, my confident, my best friend… I still think about him pretty often and it hurts so bad… I can't even imagine how it would be to lose my sister…
I think I can relate a little with your grandpa story… I mean when my dad died, my parents were already divorced for a couple years so my mom didn't feel it as much… actually I've never heard her saying a single good work about him… ever. She's a very reserved person and doesn't show any kind of affection… at all. Don't get me wrong, she's a good person and do everything for my sister and I, she just sucks at showing all this caring physically. This was my dad's favorite thing to do on Earth. And I miss that physical thing… a lot. But then little things happen to remind me about my other relatives too… like today. My aunt lives like 5h away from here. I spent 4 entire months here telling her I was gonna visit her every single day and I didn't go… and she's having a really difficult time (money issues) so she couldn't come to visit me… today, she called my mom to tell her that she baked my own favorite goody and sent it with a lady who was coming on from her city today so that I should go to my cousin house to get it 'cause the lady left it there… I went today and it was a huge (huge!) bowl filled with the baked goody (sorry I don't know who it's called in english, I just know it's made out of milk fat)… and she made them whole wheat! When I saw them, I started think how much trouble she went through just to bake all that and to even send them through someone just for me… and I didn't even take a single weekend to go visit her… it made me so sad… I felt terrible… and it also made me wonder how much I love my family, how many aunts I have out there that show all the affection in the world towards me and that, instead of complaining about my mom's lack of “broadcasted” emotions, I should just be thankful for the good things instead 🙂
So this is what I could change in my life's priority to add value to my life! To stop looking at all the things I could have better and, instead, to be thankful for all the wonderful things that are given to me and that bless me in all the possible ways! 🙂
ps. sorry about the gigantic story, I totally got carried away!
Love
xx
Such a beautiful post with so much depth and purpose! Everyday I'm able to get out of bed in good health is truly an amazing day 🙂
This was a nice post, Lisa. I felt the same way about my grandparents. I took for granted the times I saw them, and I regret not seeing them both more often before they suddenly died in August 2009. They both were not good about showing emotion until they got older and we kids started growing up. I’m glad you still have your grandparents around, and I hope you get to see them more often. 🙂
This was such a great post. I'm glad you and your grandpa had that conversation, even if it was 7 years later. I try to spend as much time with my grandparents as possible. They're all amazing people.
I love that picture of you and your sister in the wheelbarrow! I wish my grandfather had lived longer so I could have gotten to know him better. I wish I could change my work.
This was such a beautiful post. I'm glad your grandfather had that conversation with you!
“I don’t want to spend even a second of it without feeling the quality and meaningfulness, no matter how small.”
Lisa I so appreciate this post — and especially that quote! I spend so much of my time worrying about the future or regretting things I have done in my past, when I need to spend my time LIVING in the present!
I love this post.
And the only change I'd make right now? I'd make us be able to hang out more. But that's going to happen, I just have to be patient.
Glad that you got to spend time with your grandparents….even more happy that you got to have that conversation with your Grandfather. I think that “back in the day” people, men especially, were just taught not to really talk about that kind of thing. And how cool is it that he uses a computer! My Grandma doesn't even use an ATM card 😉
That is a really great quote – it makes so much sense! I try my best to live in the present. I think some worrying about the future is inevitable but those times when you can truly say, “I don't want to be anywhere but here doing this, right now,” are just perfection :).
– Beth @ http://www.DiningAndDishing.com
I'm so sorry to hear about your sister. You are obviously a very, very strong person. You got me all teary. I'm glad that you did have a nice moment with your grandfather. Family is everything!
what a sweet moment with your Grandpa. I hope you get many years with them 🙂
I never know the right things to say but I must say that this was such a moving post. You really a strong and wonderful person! I think the quote you have from the Dalai Lama is what I think about the most. I feel like I'm always anxious and preparing for the future that I lose track of now and just being present with the people I love. This is a fabulous post.
Thanks for making me get all teary at work! ugh! :):)
I feel like men have a harder time expressing their grief- I had a similar experience with my father when his brother died, but now I realize he just had a hard time showing his feelings. Touching post!
Loved this post! Your grandparents sound like wonderful people!
Mission accomplished! Just kidding 🙂
Can't wait to see you on Thursday!
This was beautiful. I have really been focusing on the things that do matter this year. My husband and I really want to simplify our lives and focus on the little things. I think society forces us to focus too much on the things that don't matter and I want to get back to basics…spend more time with my family and really enjoy life.
Fantastic post, Lisa! Such a good reminder to keep our priorities in line with what's really important. The one priority I'm always working on is trying to make work less in the forefront of my life–work is important, but there are so many other things that need to come first 🙂
Thank you so much for this…I read it slowly and really thought about stuff for a while afterwards before responding. THank you for the Dalai Lama quote too…I definitely feel sometimes that I am “so anxious about the future that I do not enjoy the present”. The present is a present, I like to remind myself. I need to realize that time spent worrying or rushing around isn't quality time. Every moment counts. Sometimes I focus on what I don't have too much – it's definitely been a rough year for my husband and I financially — but instead of dwelling on what we don't have we remind eachother that we have each other, and that's what's most important.
This post is so so beautiful. I love the clarity you have, and the wisdom you have at such a young age. Thank you for writing, you are so very talented.
And that quote really touched me. I'm writing it down
I can't tell you how much I enjoyed that quote! I think the first sentence is the most fascinating, when you look at the world around us.
Thanks for sharing your Shamrock Shake recipe with me – it sounds delicious!!
My dad just opened up to me about my mom's death this past year, close to the 8 year anniversary of her passing. She killed herself, and he's the one that found her, and he has used that as some kind of sick leverage against me in the past to dismiss my feelings. I was so grateful when he opened up to me last year (even if it was during a 15 break from Monday night massage class!), more for his sake than my own. I've allowed my heart and soul to heal as much as they can, and I hope he can find similar peace. I love him, but our lives are forever different.
oh wow, i had never heard that quote before, thank you so much for sharing! my husband's sister had a brain bleed in January in which she could've instantly died. (thank God she didn't.) but it's such a reminder of what's really important in life. sometimes it's all too easy to forget.
What an amazing post. Thank you so much for sharing…and making me tear up at 6 in the morning. It is scary how true that quote is…I've recently decided to “celebrate everything” not that I succeed at it all the time but I'm trying.
I can't wait either! YAY!
This totally resonates with me, as my grandpa had a heart attack the night before last… he is still in critical condition but the doctors are hopeful. I have been on edge the last few days… it makes me feel as if every little thing needs to be appreciated. Nothing is really absolute, and you don't know when you're going to see somebody next, especially your grandparents.
beautiful post… <3
I have lost all of my grandparents, and I was so lucky to be VERY close to one set… I miss them terribly.
I am having a difficult time right now with the ongoing crisis and tragedy – it definitely puts things in perspective.
thanks for reposting that quote – it spoke to me when Jess posted it and again now…
Wow, beautiful posts. This makes me miss my grandpa. Treasure every moment you get with yours!! Great quote, too, sure got me thinking. Right now putting my health first is one thing I am doing to help add value to my life.
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