There have been many times in my life when I complained about being in “limbo.” Instances where things weren’t really happening, progress was not outwardly apparent, and sometimes I just felt a little stuck in what choices I could make. Today, though, I am kind of realizing that we’re all in limbo most of the time—that when I try to figure out the future, I feel stuck in the moment instead of just being in the moment and letting life unfold.
I won’t say I’m great at letting life unfold—I’m a planner, through and through. But I see the value in not putting expectations on many things, in combination with laying the groundwork for following my bliss. It requires balance, just like most things in life…which requires practice (just like most things in life).
Right now, everything I own (except for some clothes, my Macbook, and my yoga mat) is packed into duct-tape-shut containers, to be shortly transported into storage. I’m sure I packed things I’ll wish I had and left out things I’ll never touch. But I’ll manage, I’m sure. Time is running short for me here–I’ll be flying out of NY on Tuesday morning, and have plenty of things to do and people to hug before that happens. I’ve been lucky enough to even reconnect with old friends in the past week–great conversation, shared food and drinks, and lots of reflection on the past. I’m not sure if I need closure, after all, I’ll be back in October for Matthew’s birthday.
Hopefully by that time I’ll have a plan. I’m totally open to any opportunities that come my way between now and then.
Here is my non-plan plan…
I’m getting to California on Tuesday, and I’m going to take a few minutes (a week?) to breathe and not start planning yet. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to take out my stitches till Friday, so there are a few days in which I cannot do yoga or much working out. (Maybe I need this?). I’m going to walk, do my online work, and hope the setting I’m in leads to a smooth transition. Sometime on the weekend, I’ll try and regroup and maybe just plan a little bit for how I’ll proceed the following week.
Honestly, I feel really uneasy saying I’m going to relax (notice I didn’t use that word before)–it’s not that I don’t think I deserve it, or that I should work harder. It’s that if I do that, then I can’t avoid the fact that it’s only about me. I don’t have to think about my Mom or Dad, Matthew, or anyone else. I don’t have to consider what anyone else needs or wants (and I’m pretty good at only doing that). One thing I know about life is that it is often the challenging things that lead to opportunities and better outcomes in the end. So I’m determined to go through this and not around it–to get better at having preferences and valuing my own needs first. I’m lucky I spent almost nine years here, with my family and with Matthew (and a lot of other quality people). And maybe I’ll come back—but I have to go away to figure it out and to take a break from other people’s lives, and just live my own. (by the way, that sounds pretty dreadful and awesome at the same time!).
So there it is. I’ll keep you posted.
Any things I should do in Cali?
Have you ever up-and-moved to a whole new place?