Happy #WineFriday! {and Every Mother (Sister) Counts}

Today, I’d first like to wish my little nephew-man a Happy 8th Birthday. I’ve been an Aunt for exactly 8 years, and I think I’ve done a pretty good job!

In my family, Matthew’s birthday brings both celebration and sadness (I think we do a pretty good job of hiding the latter from Matthew). This 48-hour time period, starting right about now, contains a series of events that I reflect on each year as the time passes. It’s not different from other days when I miss my sister, but the sequence of events of what happened comes back into my mind throughout the day. I know that around 7am on this day in 2003 she went to the hospital to be induced at 14 days overdue. Around noon, she was given an epidural. At 5ish, I talked to her on the phone (I was driving home and stuck in traffic in Somerville, MA).

Everything was great then—she felt awesome.

The last thing we said to each other was, “I love you. Bye.”

Matthew was born at 8:50pm.

And I’ll spare you the details of what happened over the next few hours.

But, when she died at 3:15am on October 29th, the world just changed.

The 28th/29th of October are days when I honor my sister by remembering what she went through…and I remember to wonder what it was like for her to face death at least semi-consciously while they tried to save her. I also honor her husband, who was in the room and 25 years old—who didn’t know if his baby was ok, and knew for sure that his wife wasn’t. Because no one should ever have to go through what he went through.

I’ll stop here, and just tell you that it has all made me a better person. I think I’m more realistic. More thoughtful, less dramatic. I’m more likely to see challenges as opportunities, and to realize that we all have a story. I’m not special or different for having lost my sister, and I also have anxiety about time passing, about her death being further in the past—in case that means she isn’t part of my life anymore.

I get good-naturedly jealous when I see sisters together, or hear people complaining about their siblings (I complained about mine too).

At my sister’s funeral I spoke about how she was bossy—and how she was always telling me what to do, even when we were little and she’d have me ride the horse-with-wheels toy up the hill and then she’d ride it down—then I’d go get it and do it again. And my mom told me I didn’t have to do that for her, but I kept doing it anyway. She always made me be the boy when we played house, and the boss (because that was supposed to be a boy) when we played Boss and Secretary (and she was really in charge as the secretary). Even in high school—when we stood at the bottom of our driveway waiting for the bus, and her friends stopped by and gave her a ride and left me standing there—I still loved it when she and her future husband let me cruise around town with them listening to country music (it didn’t happen often).I appreciate that she sent me cards and letters when I went to college, even with signed ink paw prints from her dog. She never stopped telling me how proud she was of me, and that she loved me. When I moved to Boston, she drove me there in my car, helped me figure things out and flew home on my first morning of work.

I remember those things everyday—they become a part of who I am, and I try to channel her when I need to stick up for myself or make things happen in my life.

I’m lucky—and I miss the fairytale life we probably were never meant to have but thought we would.

I have met a woman named Lauren Young, whose sister passed in a similar way as Jen. Lauren is running the NYC marathon next week in memory and honor of her sister, my sister, and other mothers who did not survive childbirth.

You can support her here!

Lauren sent me this t-shirt. I can't wait to cheer her on as she runs the NYC marathon!

I’m going to do a few things this weekend in honor of my sister. Below, I’m going to share a couple cards with you that she sent to me–and I hope you’ll write one to someone in your life for no reason other than to tell them how much they mean to you.

This is about 1/10 of the letters and cards I have from Jen. I keep them stashed in several different places among all my belongings. So I often stumble upon them randomly.
When we were young...we fought a lot. I remember thinking I hated her at times, and I'm just really thankful we had time to change that.
Jen and Steve visited me in Boston (in my 400 sq ft apartment) while my boyfriend at the time was out of town---all three of us slept on the California King...Steve was our neighbor starting when I was 8---so, yeah, he was always like a brother.

What are you doing this weekend?

I’m going to celebrate Matthew’s birthday at a party tonight with a lot of people who will also be remembering and honoring Jen.

Today, I’m also celebrating #WineFriday. Then tomorrow I’m dressing up for Halloween (even though I’m not so into the costume thing–I’ll be a good sport!)—I’ll be spending time with friends who are sisters and who know how important they are to each other.

And I’ll be cheering Joe on as he runs the Marine Corps Marathon. {Go Joe!}

 

85 thoughts on “Happy #WineFriday! {and Every Mother (Sister) Counts}”

  1. Heather (Where's the Beach)

    I know I’ve already said it before, but it just breaks my heart for you. I know the love I feel for my sister and just cannot fathom not having her here. I really do not take her for granted or the fact that we are close. We were just talking about this last time she stayed with me about feeling sad when you hear about sisters who can’t stand each other. Happy Birthday to your nephew!

  2. Lisa, this touched my heart. To hear the depth of your story, of your sister, of Laura. WOW! No words can express how sorry i am for your loss, but I see that your life has been blessed in other ways because of it.
    HUGS and CHEERS to you!

  3. Vanessa Baldwin-Rumsey

    Give Matthew a hug for me. He is so lucky to have you as his Aunt. I know how close you and Jen were (even when she was complaining about having a sister!) She looks down and knows how much you care for her son and she IS so proud of you! Keep your head up today. I’ll be thinking of you, Matthew, your Mom and Dad.

  4. Time heals nothing without strength, love and wisdom- you have all of those.  Sending Mathew big Happy Birthdays and your family big hugs for the role models you all are.  Lot of love my friend!

  5. Thank you for sharing this. I cried while reading this, for your loss and it also made me realize to not take advantage of some things. This touched my heart.   

  6. You are an amazing woman, Lisa.  I honestly don’t know what else to say, other than happy birthday to Matthew!  Hugs, Faith

  7. I woke up thinking about Jen, you and your Mom Lisa….  I remember talking to Jen about how happy she was that you two were getting along so well ‘as adults’ 🙂 She really loved you, it’s so great that she told you in so many different ways how she felt about you. It’s a great reminder to tell those we Love how we feel, thank you for sharing this. Sounds like you have a good weekend ahead.   Happy 8th Birthday to that special boy!!!

  8. Happy Birthday Matthew!  Allison and I talked about his birthday last night.  Thank you for sharing the sweet sister notes.  I still pull out a few recipes written by Jen just so I don’t ‘forget’ her handwrititng.  I realize to some that is silly, but it makes me smile to read the recipes she shared with me.  And I thank her constantly for bringing you into my life!   XOXO

  9. I can’t believe I’ve never read your blog before today – especially considering your a Boston gal too, and share similar values as I do. I just saw your tweet and read this post and can’t even fathom that pain. You are, I am sure, an amazing auntie to your nephew and it must help to have a piece of your sis living on through him. But really, I am amazed by your strength…even after such time has passed. I have two sisters (we’re triplets), and cannot fathom life without them.

  10. Happy Birthday Matthew!

    Lisa thank you for sharing this — I’ve been struggling with a few family members and reading this puts things into perspective for me. I need to get over myself and reach out to them.

  11. My heart aches so much for you and your family. Matthew is SO SO lucky to have you as an Aunt. Your sister must be SO proud of you. I can’t imagine how hard it is without your sister, but you truly are making a difference in other people’s lives. You have in mine, and I haven’t even known you that long! I feel so blessed to have a twin sister and all my other siblings. I thank God for them everyday and I will make sure to never take any of them for granted. 

    Happy Birthday to Matthew, hope he has a blast today 🙂

  12. lauren@spicedplate

    <3 — so much love to you and your family, and to the birthday boy….Matthew is lucky to have you as a part of his life.  ::hugs::

    This weekend we're hosting a friend of a friend who is traveling the country from Australia…I'm also going to the farmers' market, a city-wide clothes swap (awesomeness!) and I'll be celebrating wine friday with you tonight.  Cheers to you, your family, and Matthew — and to your honesty and open heart in this post.

  13. Dairy Free Betty

    Sending you love today.  That is a happy/sad story – I bet you are grateful to have a piece of her with you! What a blessing that is! 

    I am an only child, so I always feel like I’m missing out on a that special relationship that sisters and brothers have, and often I just don’t understand it.  But I appreciate it for sure! 

    Love to you. xo

  14. Happy 8th Birthday Matthew!!

    He is so lucky to have you as an aunt because you truly are amazing Lisa. Your so great at what you do and I think i’ve learned more from you than from any other blogger. Not only are you amazing at teaching about health but you’re just an amazing person and I truly mean that!

    You will definitely be in my thoughts this weekend as you honor your sister.
    XOXO

  15. This post gave me the chills. What a beautiful and well written entry. I never knew details and what happened with your sister, but I am fortunate to have been able to read this part of your life. You are such an unbelievably strong woman and I am honored to call you my “friend” (yay bloggy world!) Happy Birthday to Matthew, he is so lucky to have you as his aunt!! GOOD LUCK to Joe, and have an amazing weekend friend!! LOVE YOU! 

  16. I’m so sorry to hear you lost your sister.
    I have 2 of my own and will take the time to tell them I love them today.

    Have you read Matt Logelin’s blog also? He lost his wife during childbirth and has such love for his daughter. http://www.mattlogelin.com/

  17. Thank you Maria! I’ve really enjoyed getting to know you and your sister, and it only took me a very short time to really know the difference between you two 🙂 You make a great team and are also each so individually awesome!

  18. Thank you JT 🙂
    You probably witnessed some of our knock-down-drag-outs at the theatre! I could never put into words how important you were (and still are) to me in the time after Jen passed. I look back on our chats and time spent together with such fondness—remember the time you went to dinner on my birthday with me and my parents?! God bless you for that 🙂

  19. these letters are so sweet for you to have and read.  i hope this weekend can be full of joy and celebrations for you!

  20. I feel so close to you when you post about your sister, because of the loss of my mom.  Not that they have anything in common with how they passed, but missing a cherished loved one hard and strong during the holidays is a sentiment I’m all too familiar with.  HUGE HUGS xoxo  Happy birthday to the little guy.  🙂

  21. Lisa,

    Thank you for sharing some of your beautiful memories of Jen. She holds a special place in my heart and I think often of the times we all shared growing up together on Burns Terrace.

  22. This post brought tears to my eyes for so many reasons.   Thanks for sharing part of your story with us…I can’t imagine what Jen’s husband went through.  My heart aches.  I’m glad that Matthew has you to text and ride bikes with, and I’m glad that you have him.  Nothing can ever replace your sister, but at least you have a little part of her to love and cherish and watch grow up.  My thoughts are with you and your family this weekend.  And I smiled at the card from your sister: “no one will ever know about the three of us in one bed”…except for the whole world! 

  23. oh, lisa, i have the biggest lump in my throat. can i give you a hug?? thanks so much for sharing your experience with us. i feel so bad for you – sorry, but i do. i will be thinking of you so much over the next few days. i just can’t imagine that situation and how it changed your family. the silver lining is the amazing relationship you have with matthew. i’ll stop here.
    GOOD LUCK to joe – wow! i can’t wait to hear how he does. can you interview him post-marathon for us running fanatic blog readers?!
    and good for you for dressing up for hallowe’en even if it doesn’t rock your world.
    peace to you this weekend, blog friend.

  24. Oh, what a WONDERFUL post.  

    I love how you honor your sister by revisiting her letters, her voice.  So powerful.

    Thank you for linking up with #ShowYourWork.  I’m so glad to have found you!!

  25. Lisa I saw the glimpse of this on your Instagram feed…I had no idea.  I am so, so very, very sorry. 

    I have posted before on my own blog that even in this day and age, women still do die in childbirth.  I cannot believe that you, your family, your brother in law, have come face to face with this horrible tragedy.  I am so incredibly sorry for you guys.   My heart just breaks thinking about it.

    If you have ever written about the details of HOW this happened, of what went so horribly wrong, I would love to read about it but understand totally that it could be private and that in the final analysis, it doesn’t so much matter why it happened because the net result is that your sister is no longer with you, and for that, I am so sorry for your loss.

  26. Lisa – What a nice tribute to your sister.  I wish I could give you a hug.  The story brought tears to my eyes, and I am so sorry for you, Matthew, Steve, and the rest of the family.  I have 1 sister (she’s about 3 years older than me), and we’ve had our little scuffles over the years, but I love her dearly and will make sure to do a better job of really letting her know that (love the card idea).  I can’t imagine the pain you’re going through.  Happy birthday to Matthew!  What a blessing out of sadness he must be!  🙂

    Hugs to you my blog friend,
    Kelly

  27. Thank you for this very special reminder to cherish my sisters even moreso than I do now.  This story had me in tears.  Each time you write about it my heart breaks for your family.  I have to ask…how has Steve held up over the years?  If he was in her life for so long…it must have been incredibly difficult for him. 

    Also…GOOD LUCK JOE!!

  28. Oh, Lisa, this is so beautiful and painful. I appreciate you sharing such a personal story. I’m so incredibly sorry for your family’s loss. I could not imagine the pain this puts on all of you. I’m currently going through painful things with my sisters/family and this really hits so close to home for me. I wish that I had the power to fix things and be able to reach out to them. Unfortunately, I’m not in that position. I love them and miss them so much. I’m glad you and your sister had the time that you did together. Please know that I’m thinking of all of you and sending many thoughts of happiness your way. 

  29. If i’m crying this much I can only imagine 1/1000th of what you feel. I’m so sorry love =( I’ve lost a parent and no matter what you do, something is missing.  Thankfully Matthew is healthy and happy and can carry her memory on! <3

    best of luck to joe at the USMC marathon!!!! cant wait to hear how it went! <3

    LOVE YOU! and i'm always here if you need me! mwah!

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